At the end of April, I turned 40. I’ve been a professor for 14 years, I’ve been married for 4.5 years, I have two daughters— 13 months and 3.5.
And I weigh over 240 pounds.
I’ve been heavy/overweight/statuesque/curvy/fat/plus-sized most of my life. And nearly all of that time, I’ve been trying to lose weight/be smaller/get fit/be healthier. For whatever reason, 40 seems like the last shot. It feels like I either do whatever it takes to get healthy now, or I condemn myself to a second half of my life plagued by fear of rising A1C/cholesterol/blood pressure/lack of stamina/low confidence/self-imposed (societally imposed?) shame.
I’ve decided to record the journey here. Will I stick with it? I hope so. Will anyone read this? I have no idea. But on the off chance that anyone has useful advice, encouragement to impart, or inspiration to offer, I’m giving this a try. And maybe I will have enough success that others might gain some insight from my journey.
So welcome aboard. Here we go.
As a child I wasn’t really taught how to eat: how to make wise food choices, what hungry versus full feel like, why some foods were good for you and some were “junk.” But at some point— I want to say around 10 years old—when I would start making a bowl of cereal as a nighttime snack, my mother would sternly suggest that I have a piece of fruit instead. No explanation of why; just the implication that carbs and sugar were “bad” choices. I realize now that I was (and still am) a boredom eater. But I was (and still am) also a celebratory eater, a down-and-out eater, a keep you company even though I’m not really hungry eater, a snack-to-think eater. As I got older I would become a depression eater, an it’s almost gone I might as well finish it eater, an anxiety eater, an it’s meal time even though I just had a snack so I’m not actually hungry eater, a social eater, a taste as I cook eater, a that is so good I have to have just one more eater, as well as a that didn’t taste as good as I expected it to in my mind but maybe this next one will so I’ll try it again eater.
It is all these eaters with whom I must contend on this journey.
Experience tells me that the journey is long.
The difference between this particular journey toward better health and the others I’ve attempted in the past is that this time I’m not only doing it for me. This time I have two beautiful daughters. I don’t want them to be obsessed with their bodies the way I have been for basically my entire life. I want to shield them from the idea that they are less than what anyone else deems the “right” way to look. But, I want them to be healthy. I want them to be strong. And I don’t want to police their choices about food the way I felt policed. So the only option seems to be to lead by example. Which means I need to model healthy food choices and living an active lifestyle doing activities I (and they) find enjoyable.
At 1 and 3, these little kiddos are literal sponges already, so if I’m going to model these things for them in a way that they believe is truth, and they don’t absorb my baggage about the shape of my body, I need to start asap.
Doing this for real means real accountability. I don’t think my husband even knows my real weight, so the vulnerability involved in publishing this is huge. My biggest (maybe my only) trepidation about this blog is the potential for mean troll-y comments. This is scary for me. But you know what else is scary? Dying from an avoidable obesity-related disease.
Mission Healthy Mama is a GO. Starting stats:
Height- 5’11” or 6’0”, depending on the day and the measuring implement.
Weight- 247.2 😮💨
Chest 48” / Empire 41” / Waist 41” / High Hip 49.5” / Full Hip 50” / Upper Arm 16” / Forearm 12.25” / Thigh 29.25” / Above Knee 21.75” / Calf 17.75”
Lots of feelings about some of those numbers… Since I make dresses for myself sometimes, I was vaguely aware of the upper body measurements… But damn, I remember when 29.25” was the goal for my waist… and wasn’t too far of a reach. Time to get to work.
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